I have always believed in your magic

By Tom Owczarzak

Last night got – complicated.

We are not leaving this hospital anytime soon.

I am here alone in the silence – this is becoming way too familiar.

I am not going to lie – I was terrified to pull the solo vigil tonight. The last time I did my Grandma passed away. I am not strong enough for that – not even close.

But, this is not that. This is a fight we are going to win. I believe that.

I have written some stuff down while here – nothing worth sharing. I dunno what it is, but my best writing comes at 3am – daylight just distracts me too much I think.

And I don’t really have any profound thoughts to share. I just want to share.

For almost six months now I have tried to practice fearless vulnerability. Maybe even model it a little so people will feel emboldened to do the same.

Just throwing it down and hitting ‘Post’ before I have doubts. I have my reasons for it – even if it looks chaotic. It has been quite an exercise in self-awareness I assure you.

So tonight, I am just sharing – fearless vulnerability.

I am scared and tired. I want to sleep but there is no way I will. Last night was scary – and I was not here for it. I slept through calls and texts.

There was nothing I could have done – except be here. But, in the end, what else is there to do? I am not going to sleep anytime soon.

I am pretty sure I will never leave somebody I care about at night in the hospital again.

And tonight I had a conversation with one of the wiser people in my life. She had some perfect things to say.

I truly believe the right words from the right person at the right time are magic spells – they can affect you that strongly.

So, she cast the right spell on me and reminded me that I have magic too. It does not always work – but it certainly does not if you don’t try.

And when the magic works – you can ask the Universe for anything – obviously.

And more importantly, you stop unconsciously asking it for bad outcomes. Because that is what worry is – loading up energy and intention on the wrong side of the scale.

The Universe is ready to give us what we want – we just have to remember that we are part of it – connected to everything – and then just ask.

So, I am asking the Universe for something (I was told I could be specific). A few somethings actually.

And this is the fearless vulnerable share – because it is easy to pick the right words on these posts – I have all night to do it. I can choose the words that project grace and wisdom or insight.

But lately, I have not felt any of that – graceful or wise. Or brave.

In truth, I have been lost in pain and worry and fear. And it has blocked all the magic. And my family needs magic right now more than it ever has.

So, just laying it down – cuz, shit, what else is left…

I want to stop hurting. I want my Mom and Uncle and sister and brother and just everybody to stop hurting all the damn time. I do not know how much longer any of us can keep it up.

I want the Universe to stop taking people from me. I understand it is part of the cycle but I have paid my pound of flesh and I need to heal. I am feeling particularly selfish about this.

I want to believe in happiness again – that I can have it. That the people I love can have it.

I want to see light over there instead of darkness

And I want to not be here, in this damn carbon copy waiting room another night. I like my bed.

I am not sure it is that easy. But you do not get what you want unless you ask – I am clear on that.

And I am more than ready to just do something that brings healing and love to me and my family.

Happy Tuesday everyone….tonight was better than last night….I do not think I had anything to do with it. And I am not sure my magic spells will work…I am pretty strung out. But I have always believed in your magic – when you are done asking the Universe for what you need – send a little our way. We could use a little extra.

Thank you.

 

Tom Owczarzak holds a Masters in Philosophy, a Bachelors in Religious Studies and works as a Licensed Contractor building houses and other things